Menopause Myth #6: Your Mum Had an Easy Time — Why Is Yours So Hard?

“My mum was absolutely fine through menopause. She barely noticed it. So why am I falling apart?”

I hear this all the time in my practice. A woman sits across from me, exhausted, frustrated, and increasingly desperate. She’s experiencing debilitating symptoms — hot flushes, anxiety, brain fog, joint pain, sleep disruption. She’s struggling to work, to parent, to function in her daily life.

But her mum? Her mum “sailed through” menopause. Barely noticed any symptoms. Carried on as normal. Never needed treatment. Never complained.

So this woman is confused. And often deeply ashamed.

“If my mum was fine, why can’t I cope?” she asks. “Am I just weak? Am I doing something wrong? Why is this so hard for me?”

Let me address this directly, because this myth — that your mum’s menopause experience predicts yours — causes unnecessary suffering and prevents women from seeking the support they need.

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The Myth

Menopause experience is entirely genetic. If your mum sailed through it, you will too. If your mum struggled, you’ll struggle.

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The Reality

While genetics play some role (particularly in timing of menopause), your lifestyle, stress levels, health conditions, nervous system regulation, and life context significantly impact your experience.

Your mum’s menopause doesn’t predict yours.

You are not “failing at menopause” because you’re having a harder time than your mum. You’re having your experience— shaped by your unique biology, life circumstances, and environment — and it deserves to be taken seriously.

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What Genetics Actually Predict

Let’s start with what genetics do influence, because there are some hereditary factors:

1. Timing of Menopause

This is the most strongly genetic factor.

If your mum reached menopause early (before age 45), you’re more likely to experience early menopause. If she reached menopause late (after age 55), you’re more likely to go through menopause later.

The research:

• Multiple studies show that mother-daughter pairs often reach menopause within 1-2 years of each other
• If your mum had premature menopause (before age 40), your risk is significantly elevated
• Twin studies show high heritability for age at menopause

What this means:

• You can estimate (roughly) when you might reach menopause based on family history
• Early menopause in your family means you should be particularly proactive about bone and cardiovascular health
• Late menopause means you may have a longer fertile window but also longer exposure to oestrogen (slightly increased breast cancer risk, though also benefits)

2. Some Specific Symptoms

There is some genetic influence on:

Vasomotor symptoms (hot flushes):

• If your mum experienced severe hot flushes, you’re somewhat more likely to experience them
• But this is far from deterministic — many women with mothers who had terrible hot flushes experience none themselves

Certain health conditions:

• If your mum developed osteoporosis post-menopause, you have elevated risk (though lifestyle significantly modifies this)
• Cardiovascular disease risk has genetic components (though lifestyle is hugely influential)

What Genetics DON’T Determine

Genetics do not predict:

Symptom severity:

• How badly you’ll be affected by symptoms
• Whether symptoms will be mild, moderate, or debilitating

Number of symptoms:

• How many different symptoms you’ll experience
• Whether you’ll experience the full range of symptoms or just a few

Duration of symptoms:

• How long perimenopause will last
• How long post-menopausal symptoms will persist

Overall experience:

• Whether menopause will be relatively easy or extremely difficult
• Your quality of life during the transition
• How well you cope with symptoms

Response to treatment:

• Whether HRT will work well for you
• Which lifestyle interventions will help most

These are influenced by a complex interaction of genetics, epigenetics (how genes are expressed), hormones, environment, lifestyle, stress, health status, and context.

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What Actually Influences Your Menopause Experience

If genetics don’t determine your experience, what does?

Research — particularly from the Study of Women’s Health Across the Nation (SWAN), the largest and longest longitudinal study of menopause — shows that lifestyle and environmental factors significantly impact symptom severity and quality of life during menopause.

1. Stress Levels and Nervous System Regulation

This is huge — and often the biggest difference between your experience and your mum’s.

Chronic stress and nervous system dysregulation amplify every menopause symptom:

Hot flushes: Stress increases frequency and severity. High cortisol (stress hormone) triggers hot flushes and makes them worse.

Sleep disruption: Stress affects sleep architecture independently, and when combined with hormonal sleep disruption, the effect is multiplicative.

Mood and anxiety: Stress activates the same brain pathways that are affected by declining oestrogen. The combination can create severe anxiety and mood symptoms.

Brain fog: Chronic stress impairs cognitive function. When combined with hormone-related cognitive changes, brain fog becomes debilitating.

Pain: Stress increases inflammation and lowers pain threshold. Joint pain, muscle aches, headaches all worsen.

The research:

• SWAN study found that women with higher perceived stress reported more severe symptoms across all categories
• Women with anxiety or depression before menopause are more likely to experience severe mood symptoms during menopause
• Chronic stress affects the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis, which interacts with reproductive hormones

Why this might differ from your mum’s experience:

Your life in your 40s-50s may be fundamentally different from your mum’s at the same age:

You might have:

• More demanding career (women now work in more high-pressure roles)
• Dual responsibilities (career + primary caregiver)
• Financial stress (housing costs, cost of living)
• Aging parents to care for (sandwich generation)
• Different relationship dynamics
• Less community support (more isolated, less extended family nearby)
• Higher baseline stress from modern life (constant connectivity, information overload)

Your mum’s 40s-50s might have been:

• Different work patterns (perhaps not working, or less demanding roles)
• Different caregiving distribution (perhaps more partner support, or grown children)
• Different financial context
• More community support (perhaps living near family)
• Lower baseline stress levels

This isn’t about one generation having it “easier” or “harder.” It’s about acknowledging that context shapes experience, and your stress load might be fundamentally different from your mum’s.

2. Sleep Quality

Poor sleep makes every menopause symptom worse — and creates symptoms of its own.

Sleep deprivation affects:

• Mood regulation (increases irritability, anxiety, low mood)
• Cognitive function (worsens brain fog, memory problems)
• Pain perception (lowers pain threshold)
• Temperature regulation (can trigger hot flushes)
• Stress response (makes you less resilient to stress)
• Immune function
• Metabolic health

Menopause disrupts sleep through:

• Night sweats (waking you up)
• Changes in sleep architecture (less deep sleep, less REM)
• Anxiety and racing thoughts
• Increased need to urinate at night
• Restless legs

If you have poor sleep before menopause hits (from stress, sleep disorders, young children, shift work, poor sleep hygiene), menopause-related sleep disruption is devastating.

Your mum might have had:

• Better baseline sleep
• Children who were older/more independent during her menopause
• Different work patterns that allowed more rest
• Less sleep disruption from technology (no phones/screens in bedroom)

3. Physical Activity and Movement

Regular physical activity significantly reduces menopause symptom severity.

The evidence:

• Exercise reduces hot flushes (though mechanisms aren’t fully understood)
• Strength training helps with mood, energy, bone health, metabolic health
• Movement reduces anxiety and depression
• Exercise improves sleep quality
• Physical activity supports nervous system regulation

But:

Exercise must be appropriate and sustainable.

Over-exercising or high-intensity exercise when your body is already stressed can worsen symptoms (particularly if cortisol is already elevated).

Your mum might have:

• Been more physically active in daily life (less sedentary jobs, more walking, more manual housework)
• Had different exercise patterns
• Been less stressed overall, allowing her body to respond better to exercise

You might:

• Have a sedentary job (desk-based)
• Struggle to fit exercise into a packed schedule
• Be over-exercising in an attempt to control weight (which can backfire hormonally)
• Have less movement in daily life due to modern conveniences

4. Nutrition and Metabolic Health

What you eat influences hormones, inflammation, blood sugar, and overall symptom severity.

The research:

• Mediterranean-style diet associated with fewer menopause symptoms
• Blood sugar instability worsens hot flushes, mood swings, energy crashes
• High sugar/refined carb intake increases inflammation
• Adequate protein supports muscle mass, metabolic health, satiety
• Nutrient deficiencies (particularly vitamin D, B vitamins, magnesium) worsen symptoms

Your mum’s diet vs. yours:

Your mum might have:

• Eaten more home-cooked meals
• Less exposure to ultra-processed foods
• Different food environment (less availability of convenient junk food)
• Different relationship with food

You might have:

• More ultra-processed food in diet (modern food environment)
• More eating out/takeaways due to time pressure
• Stress-driven eating patterns
• Blood sugar instability from irregular meals or high-carb/low-protein diet

5. Body Composition and Weight

Body composition influences menopause symptoms in complex ways:

Higher BMI:

• Associated with more severe hot flushes (adipose tissue affects thermoregulation)
• But also higher oestrogen production post-menopause (fat tissue converts androgens to oestrogen)
• Higher risk for cardiovascular disease and diabetes

Lower BMI:

• May have fewer hot flushes
• But lower oestrogen production post-menopause
• Higher risk for osteoporosis

Muscle mass:

• Crucial for metabolic health
• Declines significantly during menopause without intervention
• Affects insulin sensitivity, bone health, functional capacity

Your body composition might differ from your mum’s due to:

• Different activity patterns
• Different dietary patterns
• Different metabolic health
• Different life stage stressors affecting cortisol and weight

6. Pre-Existing Health Conditions

Conditions you have before menopause significantly influence your menopause experience:

Anxiety disorders:

• Women with pre-existing anxiety are more likely to experience severe anxiety during menopause
• Hormonal fluctuations amplify existing anxiety pathways

Depression:

• History of depression increases risk of mood symptoms during menopause
• Perimenopausal depression can be severe

Autoimmune conditions:

• Often flare during perimenopause
• Hormonal changes affect immune function

Chronic pain conditions:

• Often worsen during menopause
• Fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, migraines can all intensify

Thyroid disorders:

• Common in midlife women
• Can overlap with and worsen menopause symptoms

Metabolic conditions:

• Insulin resistance, prediabetes, diabetes all affect menopause symptoms and risks

If you have any of these conditions, your menopause experience will likely be more challenging than someone without them — regardless of genetics.

Your mum might have:

• Been healthier overall during her menopause
• Had fewer pre-existing conditions
• Different health profile entirely

7. Social Support and Relationships

Strong social connections and supportive relationships significantly improve menopause experience.

The research:

• Women with strong social support report better wellbeing during menopause
• Loneliness and isolation worsen symptoms
• Relationship satisfaction affects mood and stress levels

Your social context might differ from your mum’s:

You might have:

• Less community support (geographically distant from family/friends)
• More social isolation (even with social media)
• Different relationship dynamics
• Less time for friendships due to work/family demands

Your mum might have had:

• More extended family nearby
• Stronger community ties
• Different social structures
• More time for social connection

8. Cultural Attitudes and Expectations

How menopause is viewed culturally influences how women experience it.

The research:

• In cultures where menopause is seen as a natural transition or positive milestone, women report fewer symptoms
• In cultures where menopause is viewed negatively (loss of femininity, “the end”), women report more symptoms
• Expectations shape experience

Cultural context has shifted:

Your mum’s experience might have been:

• Less openly discussed (more private, less shared)
• Different cultural attitudes (perhaps more accepting, perhaps more dismissive)
• Different medical support available

Your experience:

• More information available (which can be empowering or overwhelming)
• More pressure to “do it all” without showing struggle
• Different expectations around work, parenting, self-care
• More awareness of symptoms (which can be helpful or anxiety-provoking)

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Your Mum’s Experience Was in a Different Context

This is crucial to understand: even if you have the same genes, you’re living in different bodies, in different times, under different stresses, with different resources.

Your Mum Might Not Have Been “Fine”

Here’s something else to consider: your mum might have struggled more than you realize.

Women of previous generations often:

• Didn’t talk openly about menopause (it was taboo or embarrassing)
• “Suffered in silence” because that’s what was expected
• Didn’t complain or seek support (cultural norms around stoicism)
• Had symptoms dismissed or normalized (“that’s just how it is”)
• Had fewer treatment options available

Your mum might have:

• Struggled significantly but never told you
• Hidden her symptoms from family
• “Got on with it” because she had no choice
• Not had language to describe what she was experiencing
• Not received adequate support or treatment

So when she says she “was fine” or “barely noticed it,” that might not be the full picture.

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What You Should Do

1. Stop Comparing

Your menopause is uniquely yours.

Comparing yourself to your mum (or your sister, or your friend) is unhelpful and often harmful. You’re not “doing menopause wrong” because it’s harder for you.

Different bodies, different circumstances, different experiences.

2. Focus on What YOU Can Control

You can’t change your genes, your mum’s experience, or your current age. But you can influence your experience through:

Sleep quality:

• Prioritize consistent sleep schedule
• Create optimal sleep environment (cool, dark, quiet)
• Address sleep disruptors (caffeine, alcohol, screens before bed)
• Treat underlying sleep disorders if present
• Consider sleep-supporting supplements or medication if needed

Stress management:

• Recognize that stress is amplifying symptoms
• Implement stress-reduction practices (breathwork, meditation, yoga, time in nature)
• Set boundaries around work, commitments, people
• Say no to non-essential demands
• Seek therapy or coaching if needed
• Address sources of chronic stress where possible

Nervous system regulation:

• Daily practices that support parasympathetic activation (rest-and-digest state)
• Vagal tone exercises (humming, singing, gargling, breathwork)
• Movement that regulates rather than stresses (walking, gentle yoga, swimming)
• Connection with others (even brief positive interactions help)
• Limiting inputs that dysregulate (news, social media, toxic relationships)

Nutrition:

• Mediterranean-style eating pattern
• Blood sugar stability (regular meals, adequate protein, pairing carbs with protein/fat)
• Anti-inflammatory foods
• Adequate hydration
• Limiting alcohol (worsens sleep, hot flushes, mood)
• Reducing caffeine if anxiety/sleep issues

Movement:

• Strength training (non-negotiable for bone, muscle, metabolic health)
• Daily movement (walking, stretching, activities you enjoy)
• Avoiding over-exercise if it’s worsening symptoms
• Finding movement that feels good in your body

Social connection:

• Prioritizing relationships that nourish you
• Seeking community (online or in-person)
• Letting go of relationships that drain you
• Being vulnerable about struggles with trusted people

3. Seek Appropriate Support

Your mum might not have needed support. You might.

That doesn’t mean you’re weak or failing. It means you’re having a different experience and you’re wise enough to seek help.

Medical support:

• HRT if appropriate
• Treatment for underlying conditions (thyroid, vitamin deficiencies, etc.)
• Specialist menopause care if your GP isn’t adequately supporting you

Lifestyle medicine support:

• Health coaching
• Nutrition guidance
• Exercise programming
• Sleep support
• Stress management tools

Psychological support:

• Therapy or counseling
• Support groups
• Community connection

You deserve all of this. Don’t suffer in silence because “mum was fine.”

4. Reframe “Weakness”

Struggling with menopause is not weakness.

It’s your body responding to:

• Significant hormonal changes
• Life stressors
• Pre-existing health conditions
• Modern lifestyle challenges
• Unique biological factors

Seeking support is not weakness.

It’s wisdom. It’s self-advocacy. It’s recognizing that you deserve to feel well and taking action to get there.

5. Have Compassion for Yourself

Your experience is valid.

Your symptoms are real.

You’re not imagining things or being dramatic.

You’re not “weaker” than your mum or anyone else.

You’re going through a significant biological transition in a unique context, and you deserve support, understanding, and evidence-based care.

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The Bottom Line

Genetics load the gun, but lifestyle and environment pull the trigger.

Your mum’s menopause experience — whether easy or difficult — doesn’t predict yours. You’re navigating this transition with your unique biology, in your unique circumstances, facing your unique stressors.

The most important factors influencing your menopause experience are largely within your control:

• Sleep quality
• Stress management
• Nervous system regulation
• Physical activity
• Nutrition
• Social connection
• Access to appropriate medical care

These matter far more than whether your mum “sailed through it.”

You’re not failing at menopause because it’s hard.

You’re having YOUR experience, shaped by factors your mum never faced in the same way. And that experience deserves to be taken seriously, supported comprehensively, and treated with evidence-based care.

Stop comparing. Start focusing on what YOU need.

You deserve to feel well through this transition and beyond — regardless of how your mum’s experience went.

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Need Support?

If you’re struggling with menopause symptoms and comparing yourself to family members who “had it easier,” I can help.

As a registered nurse specializing in menopause care and lifestyle medicine, I create personalized plans that address YOUR unique biology, circumstances, and needs.

Message me to create a plan that works for your body, your life, and your goals.